I am that I am that I am

I made this painting on a wood panel instead of my usual canvas, and the new surface unexpectedly brought on a lot of resistance. Even though I had primed the wood panel several times, my brush didn’t glide against the surface, my lines didn’t feel as clean and each color showed up differently than I had imagined.

When I started this piece I was very adamant to make a cohesive painting that was palatable and objectively beautiful. And despite the wood panel being a major hindrance, I painstakingly worked at the painting over weeks and got it to a point where it began to look like the image I had in mind.

While I was painfully molding this painting into something I thought would be well liked, I also felt a need to conform in other parts of my life. I saw myself holding back or changing in certain situations to feign acceptance from other people.

Somewhere along the way, I realized what I was doing and inevitably learned my lesson (for the millionth time lol). I walked away from the situation and had a moment of clarity.

We tend to fixate on our identity in relation to others while our true selves diminish inside us. Being agreeable does not save you from being misunderstood. Creating with honesty, saying what you need to say (within reason haha), and not banking on external approval is what leads to true understanding and belonging.

As I was reaching this conclusion, the painting evolved with me. The vines that border the piece were originally more delicate and held a light source. While I contemplated how I had shown up in the past, the vines got dense and tunneled into a single focal point (images on @lil.puj).

Post my moment of clarity, I began to see a very specific glacial shade of blue everywhere. Blue cars, clothes, furniture, houses, beverages, you name it. I’ve always given colors personalities and this shade of blue is the picture of self assuredness to me. It is relaxed and not overly imposing in its presence, it moves with honesty and leans into it’s uniqueness.

Glace Blue (trademark incoming) is not pretending to be anyone else.

I placed a box of Glace Blue at the center of this piece as a symbol of self acceptance. The flower layered on the blue is deeply rooted and blossoming despite the chaos surrounding it.